In between the three apps that you are using with your anxious, indesisive thumb, Instagram plays the role of a Dementor dressed as a magic unicorn. It lovingly sucks the living shit out of you, and when you think you had just enough, you do the ‘unwind’ bedtime scroll.
Your healthy relationship continues into perpetual Instagram story ‘add’ dependency; three to four profiles you despise behind the closed doors but still ok with looking at frequently; perhaps a profile of a famous cat, whom surprisingly has the most ‘authentic’ following.
The Mona Lisas
The mysterious bitches with a distinctive Lana Del Rey vibe. To your major disappointment, these rare birds can be seen posting a beautiful, naturally snapped shot at odd times, surpassing the 18.30 Thursday rule. They also fuck around with the established cycles of the commoners: inflatable flamingos for Christmas and office flat lays in August. Is it a lip pout or is she smiling? Go figure.
The Sellers
Anyone with a small, merch venture falls under this category: artists trying to make a living off postcards while art galleries are politely rejecting their erotic doodles of genitals; musicians desperately scattering a dollar or two for their patreon page; bloggers urging you to ‘read’ their latest post; global jet setters, in between their privileged, yet sincere jet lag complaints; a spiritual guidance teacher whose yogi mats are laid with crystals, feathered crowns and affirmation decks (in collaboration with the artist of course, see above). A dewy cocktail of self-published books, pins with oaths to feminism and great photography skills. You know who you are.
The Blessed
The enviable legacy of rockstars, 90s super models, artists, actors and other (insert rich) bohemia’s offspring who has worked really hard to be where they are today, withstanding judgment and hypocrisy, simply leading a torturous life of first class travel, red carpet appearances and round-the-clock arrangements for product placement. The signature move: zoom in on the eye with a ‘I am so tired of this bs’ connotation.
@bittylovers
The Micro Influencer
Few passive/aggressive replies to e-mails, an over priced tag for an Instagram post, attitude showers and rare appearances at low budget events. These specimen will either sign a contract with a communication agency and suddenly become a repost image for every Tumblr blog you follow, or will find their calling in creative fields of DJ-ing, bikini-modeling or fashion styling, overweighing their competition with the increased number of f̶o̶l̶l̶o̶w̶e̶r̶s̶ bots.
Which one are you ?